Hesitant

Dear baby, 

   It has been a while since I wrote to you. I can feel myself digging my head in the sand- a familiar and at home feeling for me. When the storm of life rages I find the darkest bunker and retreat into the fetal position. So, today, as I write to you I crawl out slowly and hold our story up to the light- for you, for me, for your Dad and for others. 

 

A couple of months ago, your dad accidently pricked his finger with a needle he just finished using on his dialysis patient. We found out later that day that the patient was HIV positive. You might not be able to understand the serious risk of this for years but it is very dangerous. I was terrified and didn’t hide it well. Dad was too but he did his best on putting on a strong front for me- I can see straight to his soul through those big brown eyes. He wasn’t fooling me. We won’t find out if your Dad contracted it for 6 months and in the mean time he gets blood tests taken bi-weekly. Until then, we can’t try to make you. 

There is another darker layer to this story. A few days after the accident, I thought I was pregnant, again. I even had two positive pregnancy tests. I had never been more excited. I also, have never been more disappointed when I realized that it wasn’t true. Oh, how the pain swept over me. It still lashes out at me in quiet times or when I see a pregnant momma or infant baby or whenever I face it, like right now. There was a very frightening voice that whispered a horrible fear- that that was my last chance of getting pregnant. Even, if your Dad did contract this disease (which is soooo unlikely) there are ways we could conceive and create you.   

So, as we wrestle with fear we also wrestle with peace and the Spirit. We try our best to rest in it. God loves us through this mess. Your Dad and I have gone through some hell lately but we aren’t allowing it to break us. We just fall deeper into each other, holding on together, tighter. I don’t think things happen for a reason, necessarily. But I do believe, that if we become aware of what is really going on in our lives and hearts and souls and minds that we can take advantage of opportunities that are usually surpassed. So, during this treacherous wait, I hope to better myself (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) so that when we do decided to try I will be even more ready for you. I know that it is an impossible goal, I know that I can and never will be ready for the life changing moment when you enter this world BUT I want to be as good as I can be. I want our marriage to be as healthy as it can before we transform into a mom and a dad. 

Because I already love you. 

It is crazy to think. 

And sometimes I can’t wrap my mind around it. 

But I do.  unconditionally. 

 

Love, 

The not just yet Mom. 

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