I am filled with joy, overspilling with anticipation and wrestling with fear and caution. You are here, making a home inside of me! It’s true!
I’m bursting at the seams!
Honestly, I still feel like I am in shock and I am unsure if I have fully comprehended that I’m actually pregnant. I took lots of tests and occasionally you’ll remind me with a taste of morning sickness or aversions to smells. I am in awe of it all and I’m trying to soak up everything that is going on inside of me while you set up home.
I have never seen your Daddy-to-be be more smitten. He is so over the moon, it’s almost silly! He is already so quick to comfort, help and treat me like a queen- it is very sweet. I know he will be the best Dad you could ever have and it makes me fall even more for him. You are so, so loved already.
When I found out, it was a perfect fall day. The leaves danced their ways off the trees and crunched under my brown boots. October 21, 2012.
That morning I went to drop your Dad at his truck that he had left overnight in LaVergne and while we were riding together we were talking about our future and we even mentioned that maybe we should consider having a baby in two-three years. Whilst we were talking about this, it dawned on me that I was three days late. This isn’t too abnormal for me but I silently made plans to buy a pregnancy test after I dropped off your Dad. I made a B-line to Walgreens, bought a pregnancy test, drove to my parents and went straight into the bathroom. It shot up in no time and I just stared at myself in the mirror trying to wrap my head around the little pink cross that had formed. I decided to get more proof so hopped right back in my car to buy a clear blue digital test. I bought it at Publix and then had an idea to surprise Mom with the news on her birthday which was in two days. So, I drove to Babies-R-Us, went to the bathroom and took the second test there. Sure enough, the word ‘pregnant’ formed within seconds. I stumbled out of the restroom into a mass of baby things. This was not the best idea- I wandered up and down the aisles, overwhelmed, searching for anything that said “Grandma” to gift to my Mom. Eventually, I had to make it out the doors so I did not end up being a pile in the breast pump isle. I got in my car and checked the test again, just to be sure. I went from smiling, to barely being able to breathe, to laughing. Insanity took over. Awe filled, I sat frozen in the parking lot.
It has taken me several days to write this post. Partly, because I am at a loss for words and partly because I am exhausted. I work full time as a Preschool Teacher to infants and at times it is overwhelming. When they cry, I want to cry. My emotions have taken over and so has morning sickness. I know every baby’s personality and what makes them happy and I catch myself wondering how you will turn out. I hope you have a lot of your Dad in you.
We have only shared our sweet news with a handful of people. We want to wait until the 12th week to share with the world because that is when we are pretty much in the clear. I told your Dad the same day I found out. I waited until he came home late that night. When we have spoken about you when you were just a glimmer in our eyes, your Dad said the first thing he wanted to do when he found out I was pregnant was to go to Home Depot and buy supplies to build a treehouse for you. It’s his dream Dad job. I logged that in my memory until I needed it and recalled on it that day. I set up the kitchen table with a piece of barnwood, blueprints of tree houses, a hammer and the pregnancy test hid under the note that read “Start building that tree house…Dad!”
I waited for what seemed centuries for your Dad to get home so I would not be so lonely with my news. I was so anxious. I had my laptop set up to record his reaction- Sooo sneaky. His reaction, which I can’t wait for you to see one day, was amazing! He was so smitten, and shocked and it took him a few moments to process my note. It wasn’t until I told him to look under the note to find the pregnancy test that he understood. He is just so excited.
He calls you blueberry and kisses my tummy every night- bless his heart. He sometimes lays his head on my tummy before we go to sleep as if he might be able to hear or feel or maybe just be closer to you. It’s precious. I can’t help but smile ear to ear each time he does it.
I’m seven weeks pregnant- I found out at just four weeks! You are the size of a blueberry which is what your Dad has already deemed what he wants to call you. You have a heart beat that beats faster than mine, tiny formings of eye lids and little hands and feet that are more like little paddles. It is incredible that when I first found out you were still a tiny ball of cells with no baby like features at all. Your brain is developing and I have been trying to eat (when you permit it to stay down) super nutritious foods to give you the best chance of healthy development. I’ve been juicing kale and apple, eating lots of nuts and dark greens, greek yogurt, steel cut oats and lots and lots of fruit! When I can’t eat that, I nibble on pretzels and sip ginger ale. I drink gallons of water- it is as if I can not get enough! And of course, I’m taking prenatal vitamins daily.
Your Dad and I made a trip to Mckay’s book store to get some books on pregnancy. I am reading the ever so popular (which made it only .15 to buy!) “What to Expect when you’re Expecting” and your Dad chose “The Expectant Father”. We are such typical new, excited parents. I think I caught an eye-roll from the masculine lady that rang up our order. I just had to grin.
Your calculated due date is June 28, 2013 and I have my first appointment with the Vanderbilt Midwives on December 4, 2012. I am so excited and after watching “The Business of being Born” I feel even more confident with my decision to go with a Midwife! The Vanderbilt Midwives are spectacular and I have only heard good things! Only the best for you.
As I read over my previous blog posts, I am so thankful to have captured my feelings for you before you made your home here. I have felt you tug at me for so long; long before we knew you were real. And now that you are, it seems unbelievable and breath taking. Although you surprised us, completely, it feels so right. Nothing could prepare our hearts for your tiny, tiny being. And although you are just a tiny blueberry of a baby, you have already made huge impacts in our life: our priorities, our joys, our struggles and our present and future. As I have said it before, you are so so loved…already.
Your excited, anxious and silly MOM.