Today you are 8 weeks in the making. Everyday, you unfold with new things, like magic. You are magical. The more I learn about what is going on inside of me, the more aware I become of the miracle that you are. Breath taking.
Your brain is forming neural pathways and developing rapidly. Your arms an legs are sprouting and a teeny-tiny nose and upper lip have appeared. You are just the size of a kidney bean and it is hard to believe, but you are already moving. I can not feel you yet, but I long for the days I get a nudge from your magical little body. Your heart is beating and can be heard by a doppler device. I need to hear it. I’m so ready and at the same time, not ready at all. I know when we hear your tiny heart, it will make it all the more real and life changing.
Every morning before I get out of bed, I check my Pregnancy Iphone Apps. It is my new routine- a way of calming and at the same time exciting me. It makes me feel a little bit more at peace when I know what you are up to and what I can expect from my body. It’s amazing that such a tiny thing like you can make my body do some pretty incredible ( and to be honest, completely ridiculous and annoying) things. So far, I’ve been so darn lucky to not be throwing up every 10 minutes. A wave of nausea might hit now and then but it has not taken over my life (fingers crossed this doesn’t change) like it does with some mamas. I pee all the time. ALL THE TIME. It’s amazing. Just when I think there can not be a tiny drop of liquid left inside of me, you prove me wrong as I make a mad dash to the nearest toilet to empty another gallon. Ludacris.
So far, I have craved Mac & Cheese. The frozen kind. The kind people bring to Sunday potluck because they were too busy to make a homemade dish. Which is bizarre, because I’m usually not a fan and I can’t remember the last time I have partaken in such an unhealthy side. Besides my strange craving, I have been stuffing my face with insane amounts of healthy things. Kale, spinach, mango, avocado, fresh berries, bananas, chia seeds, flax seed, organic whole grains, organic lean ground turkey, almond milk and gallons of water (hence all the peeing). You are getting the best and just a little bit of the awful frozen mac & cheese.
Every day, your presence in our lives sinks in just a bit deeper but not deep enough to help us really understand the miracle that you are. Such a mystery.
My protective nature as already kicked into gear. Every now and then I get a pretty intense and absolutely frightening cramp in my lower abdomen. Every time, I wrap my arms around you and silently and sometimes audibly repeat this mantra prayer to our maker: “Please keep us safe” until it passes. I love you so very much already, it’s strange. I continue to pray for our safety, because we need each other right now and I’m unsure how to express that feeling in words. I need you, you need me. It is a unique bond just between the two of us, that no one will ever know or feel. Maybe that’s what this motherhood thing is all about at the very core.
The very bloated but smiling Mom oxoxo