13 Weeks.

Just like the number 13, this week was just awkward. Nothing terrible or even bad. Just awkward.

It reminds me a lot of how I felt when I was 13. I knew that I was an official teenager, but didn’t necessarily have the guts to own it just yet. I was awkward. I had make up but didn’t know how to use it, hair product that couldn’t save a perm gone bad (oh, so very bad) and boobs that didn’t know what they were doing.

And at 13 weeks pregnant, I find myself with similar feelings of that awkward stage I long to suppress.

This past week, nausea has been so much better! (PRAISE JESUS!) I only had one really bad experience whilst preparing meals on wheels for Christmas with our church. I began to season a humongous bowl of sliced apples with nutmeg, sugar and cinnamon when I was overwhelmed by the sweet smells. I ran out of that kitchen like my booty was on fire. Several sips of ginger ale, (that I keep on hand at all times) a Zofran and 30 minutes of rocking myself on a stairway, I was back to normal. I’m becoming a pro on handling this nausea business- like a ninja.

Now back to the awkward. You have definitely moved from my left hip bone to right smack dab to the middle of my belly! It took us a while to find your heart beat on the doppler because we were trying to find you in your old hangout spot. Now, you are much, much easier to find! It used to take us a good 15 minutes to find you, because you were far back there. Now, Dad can find you within a minute and your heart is so strong and fast. Usually measuring around 150-170 bpm! Because you have moved to the front of my belly, I am definitely seeing a baby pouch. It is a lost cause to suck in these days- it’s just too uncomfortable. I’m having to learn to just let go (both literally & emotionally) and accept that this is really happening. Of course, I knew this was happening for quite some time now but now you’re making a physical appearance it’s really sinking into my pores.

Today I changed 3 different times before exiting the house. I just felt awkward and not very pretty or beautiful at all. I didn’t want to be seen in public and it put me in a foul mood. My brilliant self decided this would be the best time to get your Dad to take my 13 week photo (because I have been putting it off all week and I thought we better do it before I turn 14 weeks tomorrow). This was a terrible idea because seeing my pouch and how my new dress didn’t hang just right led to a downward spiral of emotional roller coaster. I ended up snapping at your Dad because he asked me where something was a bajillion times even though I told him I would look in my purse once we were in the car. I then blamed my disappointment of my 13 week photo on your Dad’s lack of photography skills. He picked up quickly why I was being such a peel and told me he knew I didn’t feel good about my body but he thought I was absolutely beautiful. At first, I wanted to smack him because, well, I’m not sure why but then I tried to believe it and smiled a little. As we drove to lunch at one of our favorite spots (Taco Mamacita) I decided it was time to stop being a 13 year old about this and accept that I’m going to be big as a house. I’m going to put my big girl (okay, my extra big girl) panties on and suck it up. The bigger I get, the closer I get to holding you. Bottom line. Even if the bottom line is bigger than I would like.

So even though I am not feeling my most confident, I’m posting my 13 week photo. Because I want to remember it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. I want you to see my struggles and my victories. I hope it gives you the courage to do the same one day.

Share your vulnerabilities. It sucks. Big time. But every time you do, you become more of who your Maker gloriously made you. You become braver. You become wilder. You become you. 

Me awkwardly at 13 weeks carrying my proudest joy, my biggest adventure, my most prized possession.

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In a few weeks, I will look back and laugh at how annoyingly dramatic I am being. When I’m as big as a whale, I’ll want to kick my awkward 13 weeks ass. I’m allowed to say ass. You are not.

Love you always,

Mom

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Maternity Clothes & Christmas

Dear baby blueberry,

This week has been a difficult one. Full of physical and emotional draining. So today, I needed a kick in the behind to get up and going so my Mom (your mum mum) called and asked if I would like to meet up for some last minute Christmas shopping. I agreed and was glad I did. We shopped and shopped and then went to Cracker Barrel and sat directly in front of their wood burning fireplace with coffee and pecan pie and rocking chairs. Pure bliss. We talked a lot about you and sadly she wasn’t too fond of the name Finley. We said it reminded her of Finland so naturally, I called her a racist. What’s so bad about Finland, anyways? Nothing. Just let it set in and she will eventually come around… And if she doesn’t well, we might be back to square one with the boy name.

Earlier this week, you might remember that I took a trip to Goodwill. I was excited to find 2 basically brand new Liz Lange maternity dresses. I was shocked to find them and in such good condition. I tried them on and I’m not near ready to wear them but when Spring rolls around and I’m as huge as trucker, they will be perfect.

I love the color and print of this one the best.

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I’m not crazy about this print but love the cut and fit. It will be perfect for that last month of June carrying you because it’s size Elephant…and it’s a summery print.

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I was then excited to find some brand new French Connection brown and peach leather ballet flats (adorable!) for $2. I tried one shoe on in the store and it fit perfectly- score! Not really, because when I tried them on at home I realized I couldn’t fit the right one on…did my foot grow overnight? No, it was a whole size smaller than the left shoe. Really?! Some Goodwill buys just don’t pan out. Now the shoes just sit there taunting me with their leathery adorablemess. Yes, I intentionally spelt it that way.

I’ve spent the week wrapping Christmas presents and I will be honest and say that your Dad wraps so much better than I. This frustrates me because I feel like this is something I should be great at. It makes sense though, because in 5th grade I took an origami class ( I went to an arts magnet school) and left everyday in tears because I just couldn’t fold the paper like our teacher did. It was a traumatic experience. But when it comes to accessorizing the gift though- I’m a rockstar. Yep. (I’m such a loser!

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See that tiny, itsy bitsy, darling chevron stocking? That’s your’s bebe’. Impractical? Well, of course. We couldn’t pass it up though.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and it will be the last one with just your Dad and I. Next Christmas you will be crawling around the Christmas tree and keeping us on our toes! It shakes my world to think about!

Love you baby,
Mom

Shining Light on Honesty & Doubt

Dear baby,
Today I come with honesty and struggle. I woke up at 4am with a stunning migraine and didn’t go back to sleep until 8 and then slept for another hour. The migraine persisted through out the day so I laid in the bedroom, curtains drawn, covered in blankets. I thought about crying but knew that would aggravate my head even more. So, I laid there for hours alone with nothing but my migraine, my thoughts and you.

Fear crept in.

For the first time in my pregnancy I had a moment of thinking “What am I doing, what have I gotten myself into, am I really ready for this, for you?” Even though I’ve yearned for you for some time, I never expected to get pregnant so soon. After we told everyone, a common response was “You’ve only been married a year?! Wow!” I have suppressed that sting of judgement but it all surfaced today when I rested in silence. The reason that response stings is because it lifts the veil and shine lights on my own self doubt.

Is this too soon? Are we ready? Have we had enough time as a married couple before we bring you into our lives?

I can try to justify and defend myself when people respond with that scary reminder that your dad and I have built a very strong relationship for six years in the making. But the fact of the matter is that there will always be someone judging someone for whatever reason. What I have to focus on is not the responses and judgment of others but of my own self judgment and self worth. I need to remind myself that God is in the midst of my fear and struggle- both physically and mentally and that this is now a part of my story. Struggles, fear and the joy of it all. The Glory.

I could write letters to you that only shared the positive and exciting things but I would be robbing you from the fact that life needs suffering and joy. Labor will truly be an example- my suffering will bring joy (you) into the world. When Jesus gave his entire life and ministry to the ones suffering around him, he labored tirelessly. In doing so, he brought life and joy into the world. People ridiculed judged and eventually murdered him. It was there on the cross, that he faced doubt- “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” It was there on the cross, where he gave us permission to question and hold our suffering and doubt to the light. No longer, do we have to pretend that everything is okay and going well. We had been freed to be honest with our hearts.

My dear baby, I hope you learn this sooner than I did. I hope you know it is okay to question your faith and your thoughts. I hope you know that I will love you no matter what you believe or how you believe it.

I hope you truly know and feel loved. Always. I pray your Dad and I do a good job making sure you do.

So, even in my struggle and doubt please know that I want and love you through it all. I have days where I feel so prepared to be your Mom and then I have days like today where I swim in doubt. And yet, you are a part of me now and a part of our story.

Love you always,
Mom

Naming you…again.

Dear baby,
Our girl name is set to London June as we’ve said before but I have been wavering on our boy name for quite some time. Originally, it was going to be August Monroe. I have ADORED the name Finley for some time but your Dad didn’t want to hear about it. However, he forgets things a lot so I bring up Finley and other names at different times trying to test and gauge his current mood. When I brought it up today, he loved it! Here’s some of the options we talked about:

Finley Monroe
August Finley(you would go by Finley though)
and the old choice is still in the running- August Monroe.

Your Dad asked me to look up the meaning of Finley and I jokingly answered “warrior!” in a deep heroic voice. When I looked it up on the Internet I burst into laughter because Finley literally means “fair warrior”. Hilarious!

I hate to throw August out all together but I love Finley Monroe. Your dad said its a very strong name. I said it was a kick-ass name. I’m aloud to say ass because I’m a Mom. You, however, are not and if you do it’s the naughty corner for you mister…or misses.

Love you baby.

Mom

The Glory.

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Dear baby,

I have felt your pull long before you we’re actually here in my tummy. I tried ignoring it the best I could but the Pinterest boards full of baby, possible names scribbled on scrap pieces of paper and napkins, the joy I felt when I held a baby or the way I would stare a pregnant woman down were all obvious signs how much I longed for you. The times when a pregnancy scare brought me to tears when they turned negative and the false positive that brought me too my knees. All signs of you tugging gently at my seams, nudging me. When the false positive occurred during a already emotionally turbulent time in our marriage, we decided to wait a “few years” to bring you down from the heavens. I never was 100% convinced of it, but it gave me a way to move past the sadness that you weren’t and helped me focus forward.

Heaven has a way though, of lifting the veil and surprising you out of no where. It’s like a smack in the face with a handful of glory. Glory is a word that isn’t all sunshine and rainbows though. It’s more like radiant joy and striking fear immersed and soaked all together. That’s how I felt the moment I found out you were real. Radiant joy because no longer were you just a tug, but I could sense the warmth of your presence. Striking fear because now that I have you, there’s the chance I could loose you too. And if it was anything like how I felt when I found out that the false positive was indeed false, I was unsure how I could move forward from that.

I still struggle with the glory of you.

I pray the glory allows me to let go a bit of the striking fear and bathe in the radiant joy a bit more as I progress.

I feel so vulnerable right now and not at all confident. Partly, because I’m struggling with the way my body is changing and partly because of all the information I receive (voluntary and involuntary). It overwhelms me at times and causes me high anxiety. I know this sounds funny but sometimes I feel like pregnancy is almost like choosing and following a religion. There are so many methods and opinions and styles and beliefs and theology. So right now, I’m the seeker researching all the different “religions” and trying to figure out which one fits just right.

It’s so me to get caught up seeking, researching, questioning that I over stress myself without need. It’s the natural theologian coming out of me. I do this with my faith and I’m doing this with parenting. I just need to breathe and I have to remind myself to once in awhile find peace in my Makers arms. We both can rest there.

So, my darling, may we find rest in our Maker together; now, when your home is my belly and later when you are breathing this world’s air.

I loved you when you were just tugging at the seams, I love you now as you grow inside my womb and I’ll love you till forever more.

Love,
Mom

The Thrifty Mama

Baby,

This Mama isn’t afraid of a bargain. In fact, I thrive on them. I geekily adore thrifting and finding unique treasures to make our home, home. My Mom (your Mum Mum) is the reason I am who I am, she loves to thrift too.  I love repurposing and thinking creatively. Your Daddy does too- he made me a bed out of reclaimed barn wood and it’s one of my favorite treasures. I love yard saling and Goodwill. Oh, how I love Goodwill. Some might think it’s grubby, but that’s because they haven’t truly embraced it for all it’s shiny goodness. I usually look for household items & antique sheets (they are the best!). I very rarely find clothes because that takes another caliber of patience that I don’t possess. Lately, however, I’ve kept my eyes peeled for baby things. My last Goodwill shop was very successful!

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I found a never been used, still in the packaging Boppy Cover for $4. Granted, it’s pink so if you don’t come out as a London June I will have to pass it on to someone with a girl. Either way, it was a steal and had to scoop it up when they are usually $10-$20 in stores.  I also found 2 brand new never been opened, GLASS(!) Born Free bottles. I was planning on using glass bottles and was extremely happy to find this brand…at Goodwill! I will have to buy the nipples and accessories but it would be impossible to find these anywhere else for $2.99 each. Steal of the century. (They are usually $20 for 3)

I haven’t been out of the house in 3 days because I have been so sick with a cold and I’m going stir crazy. I need to get out and about and have a date with myself. Coffee shop & Goodwill? Sounds like the perfect pick-me-up!  Well babe, off I go to try to score some baskets for Christmas presents at you guessed it, Goodwill. I’ll see what other loot I can find too.

Love,

Your Thrifty Momma

 

Dreaming of you

Dear baby,
Last night I dreamt of you. I have dreamt about you before and you have always been a girl. However, last night you came out as a 6 month old baby boy! Hahaha! I have always been a vivid dreamer but I haven’t really been dreaming the past few weeks so last night came as a surprise! I’ve never pictured myself with a boy, ever! But last night helped me see a little glimpse of what it might be like. I come from a family that is dominated with women and I grew up with a sister and all girl cousins so I’m pretty clueless to boyland. If you do come out a boy, I will be excited to learn all things boy. I know your dad will have to help me in that department.

Love you,
Mom

Craving Alert

All I want in the world is:

 

 

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pomegranate.

I need it.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve had it but this is by far the strongest I have craved anything yet. Your Dad is on the night shift so I’m trying to contemplate whether or not to get out of my pjs, fix my hair and run to the grocery at 10pm.

decisions, decisions.

Love,

Mom

Excuse me, but I’m NOT glowing?

The pregnancy glow is a lie.

There is nothing glowing about me.

or this pregnancy.

All I do is:

throw up

get a cold (Im on my third one already)

get heart burn

get up to pee 3 times a night

and other unmentionable, heinous acts.

Baby, I love you. I truly do with all my soul. 

But this pregnancy thing so far, rips.

And if one more person uses the term PREGGO or PREGGERS to refer to my current state, I will slap them with a sandwich.

Love,

Mom.

12 Weeks

We are finally 12 weeks and the chance of anything traumatic has dramatically gone down. I sigh a tiny bit of relief. 

You are now the size of a PEACH! That’s pretty big and its hard to wrap my head around that I have a peach sized baby inside of me! I’m not showing yet although my favorite jeans are a little harder to zip up- I’ve been sticking to dresses and yoga pants as of late.

This week you are grasping, sucking and hiccuping and your vocal chords are forming. You are really becoming quite the little person. 

Thankfully, my nausea has settled down the past couple of days but I’m not too hopeful that it is completely gone. Earlier this week, it was absolutely horrible and had me in tears at work. I finally called the midwives and begged for medication. They happily prescribed Zofran and it has been working like a dream! I wish I had done it sooner. My newest symptom is heart burn. At first, I was unsure what was going on because I have never had heart burn in my entire life! It feels as if something is on fire and stuck in my chest. I thought it was because I hadn’t swallowed my pre-natal vitamin well but after it lingered all day I knew it had to be heart burn. I will take it over nausea and throwing up any day!  

Daddy and I have been wondering if you will be a boy or a girl a lot these days. If you are a girl, we will name you London June. If you are a boy, we have said August Monroe. Today though, I am not sure if I am 100% on August. I love the name Avery or Archer for a boy too but your Dad is in love with August and is not budging. We shall see! Maybe you will make it easier for us and be a girl so we don’t have to decide on a boy’s name. 

Christmas is soon approaching and I have to buy a few more presents. Next year, I will be buying you Christmas presents! You will be six or almost 7 months old by then. That’s unfathomable to think about right now! 

Thursday evening, we went to Opryland Hotel to see the Christmas lights with Granny Boo, Paps, Mum Mum, Pop Pop, Aunt Whitney and Walker. I think it was really good for Granny Boo to see the lights and she particularly enjoyed the life sized nativity scene. 

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Your Dad & I in front of a ridiculously sized poinsettia tree. Image

 

 

My 11 Week Photo I forgot to post: Image

 

Love you Bebe. 

Mom