20 Weeks with you, London June

Dear London June,

This past week we have celebrated 20 weeks with you which included seeing you for the very first time, finding out that you are a sweet little girl and buying you sweet vintage dresses. I’m 21 weeks today but wanted to recap this milestone.

20 weeks


How far along?  20 weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss? 4 pounds gained
Maternity clothes?  A few pieces but still rocking a lot of my dresses with leggings and maxi skirts!
Stretch marks? A tiny few that I got in the beginning but no more since- yay!
Sleep? What’s that? Getting up 2-3 times a night to pee and then tossing and turning for the rest of it- also having horrible nightmares EVERY night.
Best moment last week? Seeing you for the 1st time, finding out that you are a London June and sharing it with our friends!
Movement?  Yes, everyday! Usually about 30 minutes after I eat. I love every kick and sometimes it takes my breath away! Daddy is still jealous he can’t feel them yet.
Food cravings? Sweet things which is so abnormal for me since I’ve always been a salty person!
Gender? GIRL!
Labor signs? Oh lordy, no.
Belly button in/out? In.
What I miss: Sleep, my clarity of thought, my brain (better get used to all of it)
What I am looking forward to: Holding you for the 1st time, seeing you move from the outside, daddy being able to feel you kick
Milestones: Half way there baby!!!

My evening ritual is soaking in a hot bath to relieve some of the aches and pain and decompress from the stress I’ve been feeling. This past week is the first time I’ve really felt pregnant. My belly is stretching and aching and round ligament pain is a daily occurrence (OMG!).  Your Daddy is a hero though, and massages my sore feet before I go to bed. Heaven sent.

I’ve entered an odd stage of life where joy and pain collide and I often find myself clueless on how to merge the two. It is a confusing journey that is riddled with guilt and submerged in grey. You are our joy- it abounds and runneth over. The pain involves relationship turmoil and illness of a loved one. Then add in major life decisions (job and upcoming house purchase and relocation), pregnancy hormones  and lack of sleep and this mama is on the breaking point. Whenever I feel the joy abounding, the guilt quickly sets in and asks “have you forgotten the pain?” I know this is preparing my heart for a lifetime of weaving the joy and pain together but knowing that truth doesn’t make it easier. I know this isn’t the first time joy and pain have collided in my life but never has it been so tangibly apparent. You will find yourself in this place one day, sweet girl, and I hope you rely on the love that surrounds you. I hope the pain isn’t so lethal that it steals your joy away. Nothing and no once could steal the joy we have because of you.

As I trudge through the joy and pain and try to make sense of it all, I love you through it all. The changes my body is going through mirror my soul search. Your growth and health cause my body pain and make my bones ache but it is that pain that is bringing me close to my joy, my baby. You are my biggest life lesson, you are God revealed, you are my revelation.

Love you London June.



Awaiting You.

Dear Blueberry,
This will be the last time I address my letters to you this way because tomorrow we will be able to call you by name! As I type this you are busy twirling away in my stomach and I cherish every movement I feel. Perhaps your as anxious as we are to make your big appearance on the big screen tomorrow. I’m so excited to find out if you are a boy or a girl but I think beyond that I’m thrilled to actually see you for the first time as this is my 1st and probably last ultrasound!

Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. I’ve pushed myself too far and I knew this was coming. I’m trying to relish in the quiet at the end of the day to restore some peace of mind and soul. We had a LOT of people over for the Super Bowl (which I care nothing about by the way) and hosting parties are exhausting especially now that I’m carrying you. I put a lot of thought and detail when I plan and host parties because it is in my very nature but because I invest so much of my energy, I quickly deflate. We are hosting a gender reveal party tomorrow night and the masses will be rushing in through the front door of our tiny home to celebrate you. I am half way stoked and half way dreading hosting another party after being so run down. I’ve decided that I just want to soak up and enjoy it all so I’m going to let go (or desperately try) of the reigns and breathe in the celebration. This will be a true test of character.

Your Dad is over the moon excited for tomorrow. Even more so than I. I’m surprisingly calm at this very moment. He has the whole day planned and the first thing he wants to do is go shopping for your first outfit. We then plan on registering for your baby shower too. It will be a happy day.

I spent the best part of today crying for various reasons- some valid and some unknown. It’s as if my emotions have hijacked my entire being and I have no say so in anything. It’s extremely frustrating because the more I cried the more annoyed I got that I couldn’t stop crying so that would make me cry even more. It’s been a real unnecessary sob fest. You JUST made up or it because as I typed that last sentence I felt the first real big repetitive kicks and even saw one from the outside right near my belly button! Your Dad will be so sad he missed it. Save a few for him when he gets home won’t you?

Love you Blueberry!! Anxiously awaiting to know you a littler better tomorrow!