On Patience and Letting Go

Dear London,

I have said it before and I will say it again- you are my biggest adventure. 

My biggest life lesson.

My biggest lesson on patience.

My biggest teacher on learning to let go of control.

On Monday morning we had a scheduled appointment for a non-stress test to make sure you were doing well and staying healthy at 41 weeks. They hooked me up to the monitor with one strap monitoring your heart beat and another strap to monitor me and record any contractions. They strapped me up and left me and your dad in the room for 30 minutes while we listened to your sweet little heart beat. While we were listening, I noticed that my stomach was for lack of better words, balling up and moving up high. I thought that was you trying to get away and move up from the heart monitor because you always seem to wiggle away when they listen to you. I remember exclaiming to your Dad how intense it felt and how strange it was for you to move up like that. Every time “you moved” the line on my monitor would shoot up like a mountain. When the midwife came back in, she looked at the print out of the test and said “Girl, you are contracting!”. I looked at your Dad in disbelief and laughed. I wasn’t in any pain, it was just extremely uncomfortable and weird feeling. The midwife needed to monitor us a little longer so she once again left the room. While she was gone, I begun to recognize the rhythm of the pressure waves and they seemed to be getting more and more intense. Once she came back in, she asked if I would like to be checked (for dilation) and I agreed. She declared that I was 50% effaced and 2cm dilated, almost 3. I was a little disappointed by that but glad that there was some change since the last time I was there. She asked if I wanted my membranes swept to encourage more dilation and said that since I was already contracting that this would be a good time to try to kick things into gear. I agreed once again and almost immediately regretted it. I was not expecting the extreme amount of pain that followed. I had not prepared my mind for it. I had read up on the procedure before and it was described as a gentle sweeping of the bags of water from the cervix. I thought it would feel much like a dilation check. I was very wrong. It tried breathing through it but totally forgot to turn to my hypnosis because it happened so quickly. I quickly began doubting that if getting my membranes swept was this bad that there was no way I could give birth to a big ole’ baby! Once she left the room, I crumbled into your Dad’s arms and cried. Partly, because I was in a lot of pain but mostly because I felt like I had already failed and surrendered to a medicated birth.

He reminded me that I didn’t use my hypnotherapy and that I was contracting while she was sweeping my membranes. He gave me a major pep talk and reassured me that I could still do this and be true to my birth plan and hypnobabies method. That Dad of yours, is true knight in shining armor.

By the time we got the car in the parking lot, my pressure waves were so very intense and I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive home. (Your Dad and I drove separately because he was supposed to go to work straight after.) I wasn’t even ready to be driven home; the thought of riding passenger while these pressure waves were going on was unbearable. So your Dad and I sat in the car for a good 30 minutes and waited to see what would happen. Finally, I realized we just needed to get home so that I could stretch out and get more comfortable. So off we went, and by the time I got home the pressure waves were still consistent but not as intense. I soaked in the tub for a while and listened to my hypnobabies tracks and instantly felt relaxed and calm. I really begin to enjoy the fact that I could identify when a pressure wave was starting and when it started to roll away. It gave me confidence that I could anticipate them and get into the rhythm of them. I also got excited because I really felt that you were coming soon.

This went on for hours and hours. I moved around and practiced different positions but I was surprisingly most comfortable when I was laying on my back. I felt like I could focus better and control my deep breathing better. The intensity of the pressure waves varied. There were waves of very intense, long pressure waves, sometimes coming in 2 at a time- before one would dissolve another surge would rush in. Those were especially exhausting because I didn’t get to rest in between them. Others would be weaker and not as long. Around 4:45 I noticed them coming in quicker and more intense. They were a minute or less apart and lasting about 3 minutes. That’s when I told your Dad to go ahead and pack up the remaining toiletries because I felt like the real deal was going to happen. I wanted to make sure that this was in fact the real deal so we waited a couple more hours and kept track with pressure waves. They remained the same rhythm and so we called my Mom and let her know that she probably should head our way because we were thinking about going to the hospital soon. Your Dad was great about calling the midwives and communicating what was happening. Once Mum Mum got there, my pressure waves had reached a new intensity and the pressure and sensations were no longer confined to my abdomen but ran all the way into my legs and were rolling in quicker. My Mom and Lucas knew it was time to go and without saying anything Lucas left the bedroom and called the midwives and I broke down in tears. I cried not because of the intensity I was feeling but because I allowed fear to creep in- I was nervous for what was to come and in my mind I knew it was time to go to the hospital.

The midwife told us to come on over so she could check me to see if I had dilated since that morning. So in record time, we all calmly got in the car. Your Mum-Mum sat behind me and massaged my shoulders and hummed which kept me calm and collected and I continued to listen to my Hypnobabies tracks. We checked into Triage and I was pretty disappointed in how we were handled. I was told that I was already pre registered since I was a midwife patient and that all I would have to do is let them knew who I was. That was far from the case. I barely could focus enough to fill in the form and then a gruff man that wreaked of smoke begrudgingly led me through a series of electronic forms to sign. This is not what I expected and standing through my pressure waves while trying to be conscience enough to sign my name a million times was proving to be difficult. I was then led by a nurse to my room in Triage where she asked me to put on a hospital gown. I had decided a long time ago to wear my own clothes for various reasons- self empowerment, not feeling like a sick patient, comfort and I didn’t want my ass to be hanging out when I wanted to walk the hallways. The nurse immediately was taken a back from my request (I asked if I could wear my own dress) and she told me it would be easier if I wore the gown. The usual passive Sydney would have relented and would have put on the gown to avoid conflict, but Mama Bear Sydney came out and I looked her in the eye and politely told her that I would be more comfortable wearing my own clothes. She again was taken aback by my assertiveness but didn’t challenge me about it again. I surprised myself a bit but was glad that something in me was able to communicate my needs. Mum Mum and your Dad were not happy how I was treated by the Triage staff either but all became better once the Midwife and Midwife student came in. I was totally reassured by their peacefulness, genuine concern and communication. The mood of the entire room changed and I knew I was in good hands. They monitored us both again with the non stress test and I continued to have pressure waves, though they seemed to be dwindling in intensity. The midwife checked my dilation and I was still at a 2. I knew then, that this wasn’t real labor because the 8 hours of pressure waves hadn’t caused me to dilate. They asked me to walk the hallways for a hour and come back to be checked again to see if there was any change. I accepted then and there that I would be sent home and didn’t think walking the hallways was necessary but I followed their advice for good measure. Once the nurse and midwives left the room, my Mom commented on how different the attitudes of the triage staff were compared to my midwives- she said she could tell the midwives genuinely loved what they did and were passionate about it whereas my nurse seemed to be just counting down the hours to her paycheck. It definitely was a night and day difference and who knows, maybe I came in at the end of a shift change and she had had a long day but nonetheless, I was thankful and reassured by my decision to be cared for by the midwives.

Your Dad and Mum Mum walked around the hallways for a hour with me while I stopped and breathed through pressure waves. I could feel them lighten and roll in further a part. We got a good idea of the layout of the 4th floor though and peeked in a few of the postpartum rooms. When the hour was up we went back and I was checked again and just as I had expected, there was no change but she did say that your head had come down further. She said that she recommended a sleeping pill so that I could get some rest and sleep through the pressure waves so that if real labor was to start, I would be well rested. She also ordered me to eat a meal since I had only snacked on little things all day. So, I agreed to the sleeping pill and we stopped and ate before we headed home. Once my head hit the pillow, I was out and only got up a couple of times (compared to the 5 or 6 times I usually have to go) to use the restroom. When I woke that morning, the pressure waves had gone and I knew I had officially been faked out. Mum Mum had stayed the night in case labor was pending so she decided to stay with me the entire day and go walking with me to try to jump start things again.

So off to the Franklin Square we went and we walked and walked and walked. It was unbearably hot so once we walked the entire down town of Franklin, we decided to walk in the cool air of the Cool Springs Mall. Again, we walked and walked and walked until I could walk no more. We headed home where we both crashed and took a nap. Your Dad took the day to spend with Gramps (his Dad) and his cousin. I was glad he was able to have some guy time after being so involved and hard working the day before. Once he came home Mum Mum decided it was time for her to head back home and told us to call her if she needed to turn around. I knew you wouldn’t come last night.

As we laid down to go to sleep last night, you became more active than I have ever felt you before. Your movement as of late has slowed down and changed because the lack of room but last night I suppose you decided to test your confines. You kicked me hard and dug into my ribs and pelvis and it felt as if you were beating me up from the insides. At times, I yelped out loud because of your aggressiveness. Your Dad couldn’t believe how wildly you were moving and how you made my stomach contort every which way. This continued for quite some time and there was no way you were going to let me sleep. Thankfully, you settled down and I must have crashed. I woke up this morning feeling defeated and feeling the time constraint of your impending medical induction.

2 more days. 

I never ask for prayer but last night as your were practicing kick boxing, I called out in a lonely Facebook status for prayer that you would come on your own.

strongly want nothing to do with a scheduled induction for so many reasons. I really don’t want to start medical induction that could very well lead to the downward hill of many interventions. More than anything, I do not want Pitocin because of it’s many horrible side effects to baby and Mom. And with Pitocin, natural pain free labor is nearly impossible and I have prepared and prepared to have you naturally because I really believe it is what is best for us. I do not judge anyone who has gone the medicated route one bit. For some, it is the best way to go for their situation. I do not want others to think that I think I’m some how above medical intervention because if it comes to it then I will have to submit and let go. It won’t be easy for me, especially since I feel so passionate about letting nature take its course but I will trust my guidance from the midwives and our carers. I just want to give you the best possible start to life- I realize how important that is. I also realize that there are completely wonderful and healthy moms and babies born every day that under go medical intervention. In fact, the majority of American moms and babies do.

Letting go of the control is just a very difficult lesson for me to go through. If your anything like me, you will come to these mountains and have to face them too. Right now, it’s hard for me to see the peak but I’m trying to let go and trust. For someone who doesn’t believe that “everything happens for a reason” it’s hard to hear the comments that this is all God’s plan. I don’t sign up to the theology that everything is predetermined and we are just puppets on a string being played out by some god. I believe God exists and lives within each of us and when we recognize this we become active participants of bringing forth the Kingdom of God on Earth. Ultimately, it is our decisions and the way we live our lives that cultivates the love of God in our communities and homes and makes God alive and real. So, at times, it’s very hard for me to just be side lined and say God’s plan will prevail. I do understand though, that there is a balance to be found. That although it is I who can directly accept the God in me to live through my life and callings, that I also must submit to the Spirit’s whisper, quietness and calm. Because I am a go-getter and I push to make things happen, I have to be so intentional about allowing God to move within me rather than trying to make God move. It’s my stubborn nature that gets in the way of being patient and letting myself go to God’s spirit and I already see my stubbornness in you. Your poor Dad has no chance!

So as I’m learning one of the hardest life lessons, I see and feel the God in me more than ever. I recognize the phrase “Namaste” which means the God in me sees the God in you in a completely new and deeper way. I understand better that the God in you is already cultivating a deeper relationship to the God that lives in me and is challenging me to be more receptive of the God spark that resides in each of us.

My dear little one (although the midwife estimates that you will be at least 9 pounds of wonderfulness!), I hope your Dad and I and our community as a whole allows you to cultivate the God spark within you in the way that you can relate to and understand. I hope we can find the balance of not forcing our views and beliefs on you but give you the tools, confidence and curiosity to pursue your own truth.  I hope you don’t allow your stubbornness hinder your opportunities to love deeper, understand better and trust within. But if you do, I hope that when the real hard life lessons present themselves, you choose to let go and be patient with yourself and others and allow yourself to learn.

Whether you come on your own, or medical induction becomes necessary, I know that I will have my sweet London June in my arms by this weekend and that gives me great joy and victory.

I thank God that you are my greatest adventure, my biggest joy and my best teacher. 

See you soon little one,

Mom xo

HypnoBirthing & My Birth Plan

Dear London,

You are still comfortable in my tummy and I am happy to make you feel at home there for long as you need. Of course, I am ready to count your leg rolls and kiss your cheeks too. Whenever your ready sweet love…you are the best teacher of patience I have ever had. 

I wanted to share today about my “planned” method of birthing you. After watching “The Business of Being Born” I started to completely re-evaluate my preconceived knowledge, ideas and perception of how I pictured my pregnancy, labor and delivery experience. I used to just instantly assume I would want an epidural and that was pretty much the extent of my plan of birth. I just assumed I would arrive at the hospital, ask them to hook me up to the good stuff and let the doctors take it from there. Since then, I have consumed myself in research, reading and asking a lot of moms who all had very different births a lot of questions. From there, I started researching what type of birth would be best for me and my nature. I no longer wanted to just blindly trust the doctors and hospital with this because A. they don’t know me B. I don’t know them C. I feel like I should be highly involved in the planning of my birth.

I’m pretty sure I have planned this more than I did my wedding. And girl, did I plan my wedding.

My first best move was to pair with the Vanderbilt Midwives for my prenatal care. When I first became pregnant we decided not to share our news with anyone until I was 12 weeks. So, finding prenatal care was a little lonely and difficult since I couldn’t ask around without giving away that I was pregnant. So off to the internet web search I went. I searched high and low of  reviews of countless OBs and it just didn’t feel right. And then I stumbled upon a glowing review…several reviews about how wonderful and unique the Vandy Midwives were. At first, I wasn’t really sure what a midwife was or if it would be the right fit. After visiting their website and reading tens of birth stories and their philosophy, I knew I wanted to meet with them. I was blown away by the amount of care and concern they had for me and baby Blueberry and I loved that I could talk to them woman to woman instead of doctor to patient. I continue to be amazed by the calming spirit they provide and the reassurance they give to me that my body was made to birth and that labor doesn’t have to be a scary medical emergency.

I would say half my pregnancy (until about week 20) I was still all go for an epidural as my birth plan. Honestly, I was so focused of growing you that I intentionally blocked out delivery because it scared the life out of me. But the more I read and researched and heard story after story of women birthing healthily, the more confident and curious I became about my own delivery. Also, I realized that I would have to face it eventually, so I better go ahead and plan it-this isn’t something you procrastinate on. I started researching different pain management options and labor techniques and it was a bit overwhelming because there are SO many options today. Bradley Method, Water Birth, Alpha Childbirth, Lamaze and Hypnobirthing to name just a few.

Hypnobirthing kept drawing my curiosity in and I was really compelled by other couples’ testimonies and birth stories. I was highly skeptical also. So I bought a book about it and began reading (HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method by Marie Mongan) and by the second chapter I knew this was the right method for Lucas and I. It just made sense to me. As someone with knowingly very low pain tolerance, I surprised myself (and continue to do so) that I even considered a natural method of pain management, especially something like self-hypnosis and deep relaxation techniques.

So what is Hypnobirthing?

Basically, it is a really fresh but natural way to view pregnancy, birth and delivery. The first thing about the philosophy of Hypnobirthing that caught my attention was this idea: When there is fear, there is pain. When there is no fear, there is no pain. The author went onto to explain the physical aspect of this theory- when we are scared what do we do? We tense our muscles which can lead to unnecessary pain. Such a simple but revolutionary idea. As a society that views labor has a scary medical procedure via T.V. shows, youtube clips and exaggerated scenes on comedies we subconsciously internalize the fear and pain that is played out and we believe it. So when we birth, we go into it fearing the very worse. And when we fear….we tense up…and when we tense up we end up laboring far more painfully than need be. So hypnobirthing is less about techniques (although it does provide some wonderful mediation, relaxation and positions) and more about a complete revival of our view of birth. Hypnobirthing advocates that birth can be a life altering, beautiful, healing and even comfortable experience. They advocate that with enough positive mindset women can achieve birth with OUT pain. Yes, you read right. And although, I sometimes have my doubts because the way I have been conditioned to view labor negatively and the horror stories I have heard have affected me, I have also heard countless accounts about how amazing this method truly works for millions of couples.

Just a few weeks ago, I was reading the book while waiting to be seen my the midwives when a husband of one of the women also waiting shared how it truly works and how he or the hospital staff could not tell she was having contractions by her state but only by the machine that monitors them. He went on to gush about how wonderful and calming it was for both of them and their baby. After talking with them, I just became more confident that I could do this! Little ole me that tears up when she gets her eyebrows waxed might just have the chance to birth naturally.

Am I above an epidural? Absolutely not. But do I want to try to birth without any medication? Absolutely. If anything, I just want to give it my very best shot and surprise myself. There are many obvious health benefits of not using interventions too that I am too intimidated to go into in fear that this post will end up being 20 pages long. And if I end up asking for an epidural, then Hypnobirthing has been totally worth it just for my pregnancy. As a very anxious person, I have surprisingly been very calm throughout my pregnancy. I have actually enjoyed and embraced it. I listen to my self-hypnosis (and at first, I was totally turned off by them because it sounded SO cheesy but I let go and allowed myself to listen past that) almost daily and nearly every time I fall asleep because it relaxes me so much. I always wake up after feeling refreshed with energy and I have a more positive outlook on the rest of the day/evening. Because of the hypnosis tapes and book, I have gone from having zero confidence that natural birth was a possibility for me to believing that I absolutely can with the help of Lucas and regular practice of self-hypnosis and deep relaxation.

And although I can’t share the outcome of my birthing experience yet, I already highly recommend it to pregnant couples just to feel empowered and relaxed through out your pregnancy. Never, and I mean never did I think I would even investigate natural birth plans, let alone pursue this path but Hypnobirthing has completely won me over and I am really looking forward to my birthing time. I am not scared or nervous about it at all and that is enough for me to click my heels and exclaim about it. That is a huge accomplishment for me. I think if I hadn’t pursued this path, I would be suffering some major anxiety/panic attacks.

If you are curious about this method, I highly recommend watching this video of an actual hypnobirthing. You will hear them refer to “Pressure Waves” and that is just a Hypnobirth term for “Contractions”. Another way to change your mindset of birth is to change the language associated with general births which can have deeply negative connotations.

So now that you know a little bit of Hypnobirthing, (I feel like I gave a very inadequate summary of it so I challenge you to research it yourself) I wanted to also include a copy of our birth plan. We have already gone over it with one of midwives and she really liked it and scanned it so that it will already be on file when we arrive at the hospital. A birth plan is just that: a plan. It exists so that all the nurses, midwives and staff can be on the same page of how they couple wishes their birth to be like.

Sydney’s Birth Plan

 The people who will be present during labor and delivery are Lucas Hutson (Husband) and Heather Dawbarn (Mother).

 

Hypnobirthing

We have chosen Hypnobirthing as our method of birthing. Because we have chosen this method we ask that there be as few people in the room as possible in order to maintain calm and deep relaxation (No students please). We also ask that when communicating important matters you speak with Lucas first and he will communicate to Sydney. 

 

Environment

 

  • Dim Lighting
  • Soft Voices
  • Music
  • No Speaking During Actual Delivery. (Unless Necessary)

 

Induction

If induction becomes necessary I would like to try natural induction techniques first.

 

  • Walking
  • Breast Stimulation
  • Enema
  • Castor Oil

 If medical induction becomes necessary we would like to avoid using pitocin and only use it as absolute last resort. 

 

Pain Relief

 Please do not offer pain medication options unless I request them. I am attempting to manage pain using natural methods. If I choose to use pain relief I would like to use nitrous gas. An epidural would be a last resort effort.

 

Second Stage Labor

 As long as the baby and I are healthy I prefer to have no time limits on pushing. Please no staff lead coaching or cheering while delivering. When cervical checks are performed please relay information to Lucas and not Sydney. 

To help prevent tearing please apply hot compresses and perform perineal massages.

 

Delivery

 

  • I would like the room to be silent as our baby is born.
  • We would like our voices to be the first ones our baby hears.
  • I would like to touch my baby’s head as it crowns.
  • I would like to push instinctively and would not like to be prompted to push.
  • My husband will be catching our baby and cutting the cord after it is allowed to pulse.

 

Newborn Procedures

 Golden Hour

 We want to bond with our baby by using the Golden Hour.

 Administration of eye drops

Please do not administer eye drops to my baby. I am willing to sign a waiver form if need be.

 Vitamin K

Please do not administer Vitamin K to my baby. I am willing to sign a waiver form if need be.

 Immunizations

 I prefer all immunizations be postponed to a later time.

 Bathing Baby

 We would like to give our baby her first bath using our own baby products.

 

Thank you for respecting our birth plan. We appreciate all that you do.

You might have noticed that we are denying the Vitamin K shot, eye drops and postponing the Hep B vaccine. If you have any questions, please ask but please do not attack our decisions. We decided upon these huge decisions after a TON of research, consultation with our midwives and deep personal conviction. I would love to share why we decided the way we did if you are curious! We really feel like we are making the best decisions for our family which may look different than yours and we think thats perfectly okay. 🙂

Your Name

Dear London June,

Today I am 38 weeks pregnant with you and never have I been more excited and less patient. Every jab of pain, discomfort or Braxton Hicks contraction makes me wonder if the onset of labor is here. Even though, I am very uncomfortable these days, I am still not at the point that I have heard other mothers recall where all they want to do is “get it out!!!”. Maybe that phase is on the horizon but more than anything I am just so anxious and curious about when you will come and how. Your arrival could begin before I start typing the next paragraph or it could be next week. Your Daddy is so ready- he is willing you into existence every day. Last night he suggested we do the typical suggested natural induction techniques (spicy food, walking etc.) but I told him to just be patient. He is just so excited to meet you and he still reads to you nearly every night. So very sweet.

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Well I’ve moved onto the next paragraph and you still haven’t started labor which is good because I would like to get in a couple more blog posts before you arrive. Today, I wanted to take time to explain why we chose your name.

London June.

I have loved the name London far longer than you were thought of. I love it because it connects you to my heritage. My grandparents and Mom’s side of the family are from England. I lived there for 3 years and feel deeply connected to that culture. My Mom (your Mum Mum) is both an American and British citizen. I can’t wait for you to meet my Grandparents- they are some of the most interesting people I know and you will surely be intrigued by their accents that now have a bit of Tennessean peppering some of their words. I also liked the name because it links you to a place just like my name links me to a place. I was named after my Great Grandfather (my Mom’s Grandfather) who lived in England until he moved over to the states- he was named Sydney because his brother moved to Sydney, Australia.

When we tell people your middle name they instantly assume we chose “June” because that’s the month you are due. However, we chose this name a very long time ago, again before you were thought of. It’s just a beautiful coincidence and stroke of grace that you will also be born in June. Your middle name is honoring Lucas’ Grandmother, Verla June and I think she is quite smitten about it. She has been busy the past month or so creating you a beautiful quilt, just as she did for our wedding. It will be something you will treasure and cherish forever.

I can’t wait to hold you, London June and see all the little ways that make you who you are and who you will be. I can’t wait to see my biggest dream brought to flesh.

I have a feeling you will be arriving sooner than later and I don’t think that’s my wishful thinking talking. My body is definitely trying to tell me that you will be here soon and preparing for labor. My spirit has followed suit and I find myself nesting like crazy and trying to prepare for you in every way.

In the mean time, I have been listening and practicing my Hypnobirthing techniques and deep relaxation methods. Your Dad has learned how to help prompt and guide me through it and is so good at motivating me to practice. We have a full moon coming up and it is said that lots of women go into labor on a full moon. June 8th (next Saturday) the moon will be in full swing and who knows you might be too which I would love because 8 has always been my favorite number, silly I know.

I hope to do my next post about Hypnobirthing and perhaps you will wait until I can do that. But, if not, I guess I will have to post about my biggest adventure and proudest joy. I think I might just be able to manage that 😉

Love you so,

Mom xo

 EDIT: I went to the midwife today and she checked me…not dilated at all! She said she would be surprised if you came next week. So, it looks like I have a week or two to enjoy you in my tummy- just the two of us. Soon, I will have to share you with the rest of the world and although that excites me, I will miss feeling you move inside me and having you with me wherever I go. 

Baby Showers, Sobbing, and Nesting

Dear London June,

Some time has passed since I last wrote you. My entire pregnancy has flown by, but especially the past few weeks. I am actually 37 weeks pregnant as of yesterday but I want to update on all the ongoings that have been going on.

35 weeks:

I craved BBQ turkey from Whitt’s even though I haven’t been there in like 10 years.

I went to my Midwife appointment and I was measuring right at 35 weeks. She pushed all over my tummy to locate your position and you were still head down. She took your Dad and my hands and pushed them down so we could feel your head! It was so weird. I asked if the bump I always feel above my belly button was your bottom and she confirmed that I was right. Girl, you move that booty all over. One second it will be on my right side and then the next moment it’s all the way over to the left. Workin’ it already. Last night I woke up because my belly felt so tight I thought it might explode- I rubbed my hands all over and woke your Dad to feel because there was a HUGE lump on the left of my stomach. You were sticking that little booty WAY out. Hilarious…and a little alarming. The midwife appointment before this past one, she checked your heart beat we could hear you hiccup the entire time. It was so sweet.

-You are so very active. I LOVE feeling you move and seeing it too but sometimes you are so active it wears me out! So exhausting but so worth it. The other night your Dad was making a birth play list of calm and relaxing music to play while I labor with you in the hospital. We started to play some upbeat Ray Charles and etc and you apparently loved it- I have never felt you move so much, so fast and so crazy! It’s as if you were dancing! We put my phone on top of my stomach and you moved it all over the place. Your Dad was especially amazed and said watching you move in my stomach could never get old. He still loves laying his head on my stomach (it has become VERY uncomfortable for him to do this so I ask him not to put his weight on it) and feeling you kick and move- you still kick him in the ear.

-We had three baby showers and girl, you racked up! Your Aunt Whinnie and your Mum Mum hosted the first one and it was absolutely amazing! We had an English High Tea and so many came out to shower you with things you need. I was amazed by the generosity and the amount of handmade gifts. People are so excited to meet you!

Shower #1 (British High Tea): Your Mum Mum & Aunt Whinnie threw the absolute perfect, dreamy shower.

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Baby Shower #2 (Cute, vintage inspired shower at work)

Ms. Megan, Ruby and Ms. Brenda (Your future preschool teachers!!) photo-98

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Shower #3 (Casual, SO fun shower at my favorite place, Taco Mamacita)

These ladies are your crazy dance aunts. They are over the moon excited about you and I can’t wait for you to meet them and hear them laugh and teach you to love dance and life.

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We feel so very thankful and blessed by so many who have showered us with so much love, support, excitement and goodies for you. It has been so refreshing to see our community uplift us during this time. It truly takes a village! I am so excited for you to meet your community in the many forms it exists.

Now that I am week 37 and full-term, you could come at any moment and that is so very exciting…and nerve-wrecking! I am so anxious for your mysterious arrival- when will decide to come? Will it be while I’m at work or at 3 in the morning? Will my water break in public or will I start labor with contractions? As a slight (ok, full-on) control freak, I’m trying my best to be patient and calm and it’s not always easy. Recently, I have really struggled with feeling overwhelmed and under prepared for your arrival. I was (and sometimes still am) having a difficult time seeing how we are going to afford the extra bills that come with a new human. I was stressed by the messiness of our house- how did it get so out of control recently? And what are we going to do with all this new stuff for you? I also really have been struggling with not so much the fear of actual labor (Hypnobirthing has truly helped with my anxiety with that) but more about the aftermath and recovery of birthing. Earlier this week all of this just crashed down on me at once and I wasn’t capable to sift through all of this emotion at once. Your sweet Daddy wanted to sit down and write out 5 year goal plan. I know he feels under pressure too and this was his way of trying to make us feel more prepared but at the moment he presented this idea, I was already on the verge of tears. Oh boy, did they roll. I wasn’t sure how to organize my current emotions and feelings at that current moment, let alone plan out 5 years of goals. I sobbed.  and sobbed. and sobbed. I sobbed because of all my fears & emotions and then I sobbed because I felt bad that I had ruined your Dad’s sweet attempt to look out for his family. I sobbed because I couldn’t stop sobbing. I sobbed for every reason in the world.  Your Dad disappeared for a bit and then returned and swooped me up to the bathroom where a candle lit bubble bath was awaiting me to the melodies of Norah Jones. He totally knows me. And then, instead of shutting the door and letting me be, he sat on the edge of the tub as I sobbed and rubbed my shoulders and splashed warm water on my back until I calmed down and the tears stopped. Never had I felt more vulnerable. Never did I feel more loved. He didn’t utter a word, he just met me in my vulnerable brokenness. He was present with me. Normally, it would have been easier perhaps for both of us if he had shut the bathroom door and let me deal with it. But because he was willing to sit in my vulnerability with me and I allowed him to love me in that way, we both connected in a much deeper way than ever before. So, my little London, you have brought us together in new ways and deepened our understanding of marriage, commitment and relationship. I have already fallen deeper in love with your Daddy as I watch him transform into a Father. The way he was excited to install your car seat, how he loves to pick out a book of your already vast library to read to you every night (already…its so sweet and you kick and move the whole time he reads), the way he talks about and dreams about you. I can’t wait to see him hold you for the very first time.

I needed that good sobbing session. I was holding onto fears that were both legitimate and silly. This past weekend we accomplished a lot. We went through each room of the house and de-cluttered every cabinet, drawer and crevice and then deep cleaned it all. It took one and a half days and totally kicked both our behinds but now we both feel so much better. You might say that I am in deep nesting mode. My anxiety level has completely lowered quite a bit by making the house welcoming and perfect for when ever you decide to come. We also deep cleaned the car, inside and out and installed your car seat and packed our hospital bags in the trunk. The birth plan is written and ready to go and there is a basket of diapers and wipes in every living space of the house. We are so stinkin’ prepared it’s almost laughable. What I am not emotionally prepared for, we are double prepared for practically. My goal for my life is to live intentionally, but sometimes I take it to the extremes and put far too much pressure on myself and others. I’m always in constant search for middle ground and some type of balance.

You are still my biggest adventure and life lesson.  

Love,

Mom xo

37 weeks

(I still have LOTS to post. Posts coming up: Your nursery, Meaning of your Name, Hypnobirthing and Birth Plan. Hopefully, I can get all of these written and posted before you arrive!)