False Labor & Cheeks for Days

Dear London June, 

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions.

Monday morning I woke up at 3am very nauseous and feeling really weird. I threw up and threw up and shortly after had some intense pressure waves (contractions). I also had some extreme lightning bolt type pain through my pelvis, lots of pressure and excruciating back pain. I was sure this was the onset of my ‘birthing time’ (labor). I called the midwife and she told me all the signs pointed toward GO but I needed to time my pressure waves, take a warm bath, drink water and see if I still progressed. After I got out of the bath I noticed the pressure waves dwindling and finally laid down and before I knew it I had fallen asleep from exhaustion. I woke up and the pressure waves had completely gone and I felt defeated, sad and unsure. I had given so much of my focus and hard work during the false labor and had gotten so excited that I would finally be meeting you. I called into work to let them know that there was no way I could come in after all of that and your Dad called in too so he could stay with me.

We took another early morning nap and when I woke up I felt the strong urge to walk. I don’t know where I got that burst of energy but that’s all I wanted to do. So we went to the local park and power walked about 2 miles in the hot sun. We came home, ate lunch and then got ready for my Midwife appointment that had already been scheduled. I was so hopeful that after all that hard work that I must be a little bit dilated. She checked me and nope, not dilated at all. I almost wept. So silly, I realize but I was sure I would just be a tad dilated. I was a little bit effaced though and that made me feel better. She checked to see if she was head down and was nearly sure she was but not 100% certain. I voiced my concern that it had felt like you had flipped or moved into a higher position because since 32 weeks you dropped really low but the past few days you have seemed to be up so very high. So she suggested an ordered ultrasound just to check and make sure you were not breach. Just her saying that made my stomach turn and I instantly agreed just so that I could have the peace of mind. So this morning your Daddy and I went for the ultrasound and she checked all your organs and measured your bones and checked your position. Sure enough, you were head down and I sighed a huge breath of relief.

When we went in for your 4D ultrasound at 30 weeks we discovered that the umbilical cord was lassoed around your neck. This was unnerving to see and I asked the Midwives if there was anything we could do. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done while in utero but she assured me that this is quite common and most of the time they simply just unwrap the cord as they are delivered. I didn’t let this stress me out but it has lingered in my mind since and I have prayed that you would remain safe and healthy. So today, as she was conducting the ultrasound I asked if there was any way she could check to see if the cord was still wrapped around your neck and she surprised us by agreeing that she could and she switched to the 4D ultrasound. Thankfully, she said the umbilical cord was no longer wrapped around your neck but floating in front of your face. Once again, I breathed a huge sigh of relief!Image

I was even more surprised that she got a terrific angle of your sweet squished face! I really had no idea we would be able to see you because you were head down and facing my back. 

Let me tell you, I have never been so tickled in all my life! It was such a pleasant surprise and treat especially after my disappointment from earlier this week. We oohed and awed and giggled over your AMAZING, to die for chubby cheeks. There is NOTHING better than chubby baby cheeks and I was really hoping that you would inherit them from your Daddy and I. 

Here you are at 39 weeks and 4 days- just 3 days away from your due date! 

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The ultrasound tech also let us know that you have a head full of hair so we better get our bows ready. I failed to tell her that I already have a variety packed in your hospital bag ready to go. My Dad thought the black shadow around your head was your hair and I laughed and let him know that was just where the picture cut off because the rest of your head was too far into my pelvis to capture. If that was your hair I would laugh hysterically because it looks like an Elvis wig! Mom was concerned about the photo of you sucking your thumb because she though your eye looked like a frog eye and again we laughed. That is just the distortion of the ultrasound from where you were moving while they took the photo. I absolutely love that you were sucking your thumb and you really remind me of my sister, your Aunt Whinnie. Everyone is so smitten over how beautiful and cute you are…get ready for lots of cheek pinchers coming your way! I can not even express how smitten I am. Seeing your sweet, chubby face was exactly what I needed to get through this week and gives me something to focus on as I try to patiently await your arrival. 

As I was getting my hair trimmed today, Amanda my hair dresser & friend brought up a great point. She reminded me that Monday night, although disappointing, might just be God’s way of giving my body and mind a final dress rehearsal. That totally clicked and made sense to me and even though I am a bit disappointed you aren’t here to cuddle with, I am blessed that I got a chance to prepare myself for what’s to come. And when I look back on it, I am pretty proud at how I did and how calm and relaxed I remained. It gives me hope that I can really do Hypnobirthing and have a safe, quick and easy birthing. 

So my little chubby cheeked cherub, I will cherish the very few moments, movements & hiccups I feel inside of me because I know I will miss them and feel empty without you in there. I will feel good that you will never be more safe and cared for than you are now in my womb. I will take joy in the anticipation of awaiting your arrival and gawk at your chubby cheeks a thousand more times before I get to see, kiss and squeeze them on this side of the world. 

Love you always, 

Your very excited Mama xo 

5 Things you should never say to a Pregnant Lady

This post is sassy and I do not apologize for that.

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I never thought it would be necessary to compile a list of things you shouldn’t say to someone creating life but over the last 8 months it has come to my attention that a large part of the population lacks tact, sensitivity or awareness when it comes to the subject of pregnant bodies. Apparently, any lessons taught about how you are to speak about others physical appearance do not apply once a lady is impregnated. I did not know about this secret- I just assumed it was as off topic as it was to let someone know their face looked really broken out that day or to tell Ms. Mary at church that she looked like she was packing a on a few more doughnuts in her thigh region. But I was wrong. So very wrong. No one gave me the memo until I found myself wearing maternity jeans. When a woman is around 8 months pregnant her appearance and weight is open topic to converse about in public sometimes with exclamation loud enough for everyone to hear. This is usually accompanied by wild hand gestures, tummy poking or rubbing.Image

So because so many think this is what makes pregnant mamas gleam with pride and confidence let me share the 5 things you should never say to a pregnant lady. 

1. “Holy cow! How many are you carrying in there? Are you sure it’s not twins?”
– No I’m not sure, for all I know its a litter of kittens in there or maybe its a litter of baby hippos because apparently I look like a mama hippo to you. Thanks for the pep talk though! Now I feel truly slim, trim and dynamic.
2. “There’s no way you are going to make it to your due date!”
– Oh no! Have I not been notified that your my Dr. or Midwife? You mean that I have been accidentally seeing an unqualified ding bat this entire time? Well, they sure had me convinced with all their medical degrees! Should I drop my panties now and have you examine my cervix?
3. “You need to put a bucket under your legs! or Be careful, that baby is about to fall out in the floor!”
– A bucket? Is that how they deliver babies these days? Do I really look as if I am in active labor? Are you trying to say I look far too big to be walking around in public? Actually, I have at least 5 more weeks until my baby arrives and if she was to drop on the floor right now she would be premature. Thanks for your innovative delivery idea though, dumbass. Stay classy!
4. (For my smaller baby bump friends) “There’s no way you are that far along- you’re barely even showing!”
– Thanks for making me feel insecure about the development of my baby. Is my baby okay? Should I be worried? If I wasn’t already worried enough, I am now!
5. “You are HUGE!!!”
-Sigh. Punch to the throat!
Unfortunately, I’ve heard all these comments and more (even #4 in the earlier months) for what seems like several hundred times. I don’t know what it is to make people think that saying things like this is normal or even okay to say to anyone but especially to women who are already stretching their physical, mental and emotional capacities to the edge.
Guess what?
 We are far more aware about how our bodies have dramatically changed in just a few months than you. In fact, we sometimes find it difficult to even face the mirror some mornings, especially whilst trying to bend over and apply stretch mark lotion to our expanding bellies. Some mornings we try on so many outfits that we end up crying atop the pile of discarded clothes. Most days we struggle with the fact that our bodies will forever be changed and wonder if we will ever get back to the size we once were. We wonder if our husbands and partners still find us attractive and if our stretch marks might send them into the arms of another. We fear that we aren’t doing it right- not eating the right things, not exercising enough, not reading enough parenting books, not resisting that cookie at the potluck. We are inundated with massive amounts of information, health advice, parenting advice, social and cultural expectations, breastfeeding tips, relational changes, job changes, maternity leave, insecurity, emotional stress, lack of sleep, nausea, weight gain and loss, swelling, medical tests, complications with mom and or baby, fear, delivery options, pain management plans, choosing pediatricians, preparing a nursery, budgeting, wondering how are we going to pay the bills, questions- countless questions, childcare, carseats, to vaccinate or not to vaccinate, judgement and the list goes on and on.
So before you make a careless comment (even if your intentions are golden and pure) stop and think before you comment about her size and appearance. She is already overwhelmed with not just the physical changes she is going through but with the “big life” stuff too. Ask yourself first if the thing you are about to say will uplift and praise her or only confirm her insecurity and lack of confidence. Remember that you are just one out of 20-30 people she will interact with that day who might (most likely) also comment on her appearance and that you might be the one who her southern sweetness decides to evade her for the moment while she ends up kicking your ass.
Your best bet? Tell her she has never looked more beautiful because she has never needed to hear that more than she does right now. Allow her to actually be proud of the amazing dwelling space her body has accommodated for the new life she is creating. Celebrate the way her body miraculously transforms to create life.
Relentlessly sassy and real,
-the pregnant lady
What are some of the crazy things said to you when you were pregnant? 

Getting to Know You a Little Better

Dear sweet girl,

This week has been a week of getting stuff done! I have been on Spring Break and decided to take this time to be productive and get organized because I knew this would be one of the last chunks of time I would get before you arrive. I finally changed my last name and took your Daddy’s. I am such a procrastinator when it comes to things like that. I loathed the idea of standing in a ton of waiting lines and filling out paper work- and for good reason! I spent the entire week in ridiculous long lines while people gave me the panicked “oh my goodness, is her water going to break?” look. A lady in front of me jokingly asked if she was going to have to catch you while we waited and I just had to laugh and say “Maybe!”.

I also tackled two midwife visits. The first was a one hour glucose test to check for Gestational Diabetes. I failed so I had to go back today for a 3 hour test- what a doozy! I had to drink a glucose drink way sweeter than the first after fasting for 8 hours. I chugged it down and 30 mins later I went to the bathroom because I knew something wasn’t right. After I rocked myself and tried to calm myself there was no stopping what was about to happen. I threw that glucose drink up all over that bathroom with a force to be reckoned with..it was NOT pretty or fun. I went ahead with 2 1/2 hours of the visit and my blood was taken a total of 4 times. I had never been more ready to leave that place! I’m praying that my results come back negative because I do not want to relive that. Only for you my baby.

Thankfully, in the midst of all the errands, waiting lines and vomit there was quite a big highlight to brag about! This week, we got to know you just a bit better. We got to see your face,  fingers and toes. We went and had a 4D ultrasound done and it was amazing to see your full little figure and facial features. You slept the majority of the time but woke up half way through by rubbing your eyes and then the kicks and stretching shortly followed. It was an outer body experience to feel and see your movement at the same time! I could have done that all day- it was just magical. And when you smiled, well, that changed everything. I have never been more proud or fulfilled in my life. Oh, London June- you’ve got us tied around your tiny, little finger.

Here is a short video compilation of some of your epicness:

I love your smile already.

Love,

Mom

Filling your Closet & Self Worth

Dear London June,

27 weeks later, I still find you to be my biggest joy- even when I’m not feeling quite cheerful all the time. I haven’t written to you since Granny Boo’s funeral because life happens so quickly. I feel like every time I find my “new normal” something else comes along and twirls me off my feet and I’m left trying to regroup and reorder. Such is life. Learn to flex when life does or you’ll end up breaking into pieces.  The flexing might be uncomfortable and it will stretch you to extremes but it’s much more difficult to move forward when your trying to gather and mend the million pieces of your shattered spirit. So move with the wind and make friends with it. Dance with it and invite others to join you. Don’t go it alone.

We recently found out that you are 2 whole weeks older than we originally thought. I think that news hit your Dad pretty hard. I’m excited to see you two weeks earlier but your Dad and I are feeling the time constraints of buying our first home tighten. …And so we go with the wind and learn to flex. We are trying to find peace in the midst of the unknown. We want to be as prepared as we can for you and make things perfect but we know that life doesn’t come in a perfect package. You, however are the greatest gift I could wish for and I’m like a little girl on Christmas Eve waiting for your arrival. Giddy while standing tippy-toed.

I’ve been avidly shopping for you on Instagram. It’s gotten out of control. Your wardrobe (you already have a full one waiting for you) is full of vintage perfection. In fact, 99% of it is vintage.

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It’s swoon worthy.

Instagram is a social media outlet that allows you to upload photos and share them instantly with your friends. A huge community of moms trying to make a little money sell their used and vintage thrift baby clothes finds for VERY affordable prices. Some use it to make money where most use it to afford new clothes for their children. I recently opened up my own shop called “LovedbyLondon” (inspired by you London June, obviously!) where I have been selling my vintage finds from thrift stores! My goal is to save enough money from my profit to buy a fancy dancy digital SLR camera before you arrive so I can take ridiculous (and ridiculously high quality ) amounts of photos of you.

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I was surprised how well I’ve done so far. I have found it just as fun to sell as it is to buy! I love sharing unique, precious and vintage pieces that make other mamas and babies happy to wear. I plan on doing this as long as it makes sense. One day I hope to sell the clothes you out grow even though parting with it already seems unbearable. You will be one fabulously dressed little lady. When I go into big box stores, I rarely find things I like for you. It seems like dressing your baby in teenage styles is the “in” thing but I can’t bare the thought of putting you in a neon pink onesie with a garish logo slapped onto the chest. Oh lawdy. No ma’am!

Today a fellow IG Shop owner @babylegslove (Go follow her adorable shop!) is hosting an IG Shop Appreciation Day. Each shopper is encouraged to post a picture of an item they have bought from an IG and tag the shop they bought it from. What a cool way to connect, share joy and spread the love! It’s also just too fun.

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I love that I’ve found this little community of mothers that share my joy and love for vintage and baby wear. I have made several shopping buddies and I am really thankful for all the support and encouragement this community exudes. For all my readers out there I highly encourage you to jump this bandwagon if you are looking for a fun, affordable, quick and easy way to shop for you and your kiddos. It’s like a giant yard sale with out the early mornings and  gas money. Not only can you find something for your little one, you can also find something for you. Housewares (like vintage pyrex, afghans and decor), jewelry, shoes & makeup. And unlike shopping at that creepy old man’s yard sale next door, you know that the money you are spending is helping out a fellow mama! Now that I am selling, I can truly say that it is fun but it is also a TON of hard work and coordination. I have always been treated so well while shopping my friends’ shops and I really appreciate the time they take to answer questions, take detail photos of their product and tag me in products they think I would like. Not to mention that many take time to write sweet little notes and tuck them away in your package! You can’t get that kind of compassionate customer service anywhere else.  I love opening my mailbox and finding packages from my IG shopping friends- I’m sure my mailman is suspicious though.

So how do you get started?

Follow some of my favorite shops:

@rockitvintage @irisandfriends @mythriftedgoodies @la_luneandstars @jandmcloset  @ottoandadelaide  @baileyandmommy @lydiaslittles @shopholeinmypocket @finnleysgarden @riversthings @hazelandgray @babylegslove @babylovesclothes @punky_mac @minascloset @djshandsies @djsvintage @gocharliejo @shoplittlemouse @juliesvintagefinds @modernnest @ohhadaleelee @penelopesthings @lydielove @scarlettandkhloe @kimballscloset @0nelittlehanger (spelt with a zero) @aboyandgirlshop @thriftyjune @wornbyus @kingsklothz @emptyingemm@chels_littleones @shoplittleacorn @robinsonthread @kingandnavy @moxie_mina_shop 

All of my items posted in the above photos were bought from shops like these! All you need to do is set up a Paypal account if you do not have one already. Then start shopping! Most shops have a policy that is pretty standard: Claim your item by leaving you Paypal address. Pay for your item(s) within 24 hours. No refunds/returns. Some shops include shipping into their prices but others, like myself price items as sold and are determined by the buyers zip code/weight of items.  Before claiming an item, make sure you read the shop’s policy because they can vary.

Before you know it, you will have made friends, shopping buddies and scored some priceless treasures. I already know I want to save a lot of my IG finds for London’s memory box/future little girls.

Now, back to you my sweet little girl.
Not only has my spirit been flexed and stretched but so has my body. I feel like a giant elephant on a hot summer African day. In other words, mama aint feelin too sexy these days.
I know I’m supposed to embrace this new “shape” I’m taking (expanding) on but I avoid full length mirrors (especially right out of the shower) like the plague. I have literally doubled in two weeks and this is by far the most extreme change I’ve endured so far. (and it definitely shows in my facial expressions- LOL.) (Also, the second photo was taken after my beloved hair dryer died during mid blow and my hair was outta control. wah wah)
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I’m not wanting sympathy; I just want to shine light on the fact that watching your body grow uncontrollably at race car speeds is tough. It’s really tough. And it’s okay to acknowledge that. Yes, I know my belly resembles Santa Clause’s tummy after a full world’s helping of Christmas Eve because I am growing a spectacular little human being but I’m just trying to learn how to love the stranger I see in the mirror. London June, if you are anything like me and every other woman in the world, you will struggle with your self-worth, identity and image. Please know that it is normal and okay to face that struggle. But please also know not to allow that struggle to lie to you and tell you that you are nothing less than important. People can be really mean..really really mean (especially girls, and even women). Surround yourself with people that exude love and encouragement. Let their words be the ones that you take to heart and spirit. And if you ever have a single doubt that you are beautiful run to me so that I can gush over you and confirm your beauty. Even, especially when you are going through those awkward teenager years. I will probably be thrifting amazing clothes for you then and hopefully encouraging you to create your very own style but just know that all the amazing (and beautiful vintage) clothes your closet holds can never hold a light to your inner beauty (I know, cheeeeeeesy but oh so true). I hope I can model that your wardrobe is just the (fabulous) outer shell of the even more fabulous inner spirit of you.  So, as I struggle to embrace the sexy pregnant goddess within, I encourage you to embrace whatever stage you find yourself in when you read this. You might miserably fail and end up stripping down naked and crying in an empty bath tub after trying on 6 different outfits that made you feel more elephant than the last one. But then you can call me and I will tell you to get your naked ass up and get dressed and do what you have to do. Move on, learn to flex and bend and dance with the wind. And if you do end up snapping and your spirit breaks into a million pieces, I will be there to help mend them back together. One by one.
Love you so much already, London June. You are still my biggest adventure.
-Mom.

Week 18.

Dear Blueberry,

My immune system died. So puny.

BUT I just don’t care.

I’ve come to accept it and I’ve become a pro at nursing my illnesses.

I took 4 whole days off of work because of my viral infection and stayed in bed the entire time.

I don’t know the last time I’ve ever done that.

[Major strugglefest]

But I’m on the mend.

During my bed ridden times I researched all natural remedies and I think I’m becoming more and more hippyish by the second.

I’m learning a lot about the dangers of modern medicine and how we have a lot of healthy, natural medicines at our finger tips.

So, Im drinking Elderberry syrup like it’s going out of style to help build my immune system and curb the chance of another bug/viral infection.

DETERMINED.

On Saturday, I drug myself out of bed to attend a mandatory training class for a world church conference I am a voting delegate for. I was miserable and there was no way of hiding it. During the midst of training a very dear church family member (he married your Dad & I) came up to me and whispered something in my ear. He said he could see I was feeling awful and wanted to remind me that if I wanted to be anointed with oil and prayed for I could. This is one of our church’s sacraments and it’s something a lot of churches don’t do and I’m so glad our church upholds this holy act found in scripture. I have only ever been anointed once when I was in third grade and struggling with major health issues. I was passing out a lot in the middle of class and went through a lot of different specialists and tests to basically come back with no answers. When I look back, I think I had anxiety attacks mixed with a vitamin overdose. I took a bottle of Flinstone vitamins and ate all of them and didn’t tell anyone until years later after I saw a documentary about how a kid had done the same and suffered the same type of symptoms I did. (In my defense they tasted like candy and were shaped like Flinstone characters- yum!) ANYWAYS, I remember there being something very special about being anointed with oil and prayed for. That’s all I really remember…and the fact that I wasn’t fond of how the oil made my hair look. This time, I realized how special and holy it was to me. I don’t think it is a magical wave of a wand that is meant to make me all better. Instead, it reminded me of the deep love and care my Maker has for little ole me. It reminded me that in our weakest moments, God forces us to ask for help from others. It reminded me how good community is. It reminded me that to see God, I had to become my most vulnerable. Did that prayer heal me of my illnesses? No. It did something much bigger. It soaked my soul in holiness, hope, community, dependence, humility and restoration.

And, in a way it did make me feel “better”. I’m now strong enough to move on, even in my physical state, to love others deeper, wider and stronger. It forced me to get over it and look at a much wider perspective.

and then there’s you. you have given me the greatest joy this week. the type of joy all the moms that have gone before me have told me as I was head over toilet, throwing up and asking “what have i gotten myself into?!” “but it’s so worth it” they would smugly say. “you’ll forget about all of this when the baby is here” i would weakly nod my head and subconsciously roll my eyes because those words only tease me in the here and now of the struggle. but you, blueberry show me a glimpse that speaks much louder than their good hearted comforts. you have been busily dancing away in my tummy- wild enough that i can feel you through out the day. in odd places where i just cant wrap my mind around what’s going on inside of me while i order coffee or get a root canal. its a bizarre and wonderful sensation. like a special secret that i only know about. the kind you really want to loudly proclaim but can’t because your best friend swore you to secrecy. you twirl and twist and oddly im much more at home with the feeling than i previously thought i would be. you surprise me daily. you’re moving as i type this, connecting me to my thoughts and screen scribbles in a new way. your dad is overly jealous and anxious to feel you more than ever. so impatient, that dad of yours. bless him. as he was trying to find your heartbeat on the doppler, you surprised the both of us with your 1st big kick. with a loud “POP!” to the doppler, your dad’s eyes almost popped out of his head. he spent the better part of the night trying to recreate the moment, pressing on my belly, trying desperately to entice you to strike back. you played hard to get and he sulked back to his side of the bed, defeated. already working him. totally whipped. warms my heart so much. 

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we then proceeded to watch unreasonable amounts of YouTube videos of babies moving around inside mama bellies. we were equally traumatized and in awe by the experience.

The music is so dramatic.

 

Love you.

Mom

13 Weeks.

Just like the number 13, this week was just awkward. Nothing terrible or even bad. Just awkward.

It reminds me a lot of how I felt when I was 13. I knew that I was an official teenager, but didn’t necessarily have the guts to own it just yet. I was awkward. I had make up but didn’t know how to use it, hair product that couldn’t save a perm gone bad (oh, so very bad) and boobs that didn’t know what they were doing.

And at 13 weeks pregnant, I find myself with similar feelings of that awkward stage I long to suppress.

This past week, nausea has been so much better! (PRAISE JESUS!) I only had one really bad experience whilst preparing meals on wheels for Christmas with our church. I began to season a humongous bowl of sliced apples with nutmeg, sugar and cinnamon when I was overwhelmed by the sweet smells. I ran out of that kitchen like my booty was on fire. Several sips of ginger ale, (that I keep on hand at all times) a Zofran and 30 minutes of rocking myself on a stairway, I was back to normal. I’m becoming a pro on handling this nausea business- like a ninja.

Now back to the awkward. You have definitely moved from my left hip bone to right smack dab to the middle of my belly! It took us a while to find your heart beat on the doppler because we were trying to find you in your old hangout spot. Now, you are much, much easier to find! It used to take us a good 15 minutes to find you, because you were far back there. Now, Dad can find you within a minute and your heart is so strong and fast. Usually measuring around 150-170 bpm! Because you have moved to the front of my belly, I am definitely seeing a baby pouch. It is a lost cause to suck in these days- it’s just too uncomfortable. I’m having to learn to just let go (both literally & emotionally) and accept that this is really happening. Of course, I knew this was happening for quite some time now but now you’re making a physical appearance it’s really sinking into my pores.

Today I changed 3 different times before exiting the house. I just felt awkward and not very pretty or beautiful at all. I didn’t want to be seen in public and it put me in a foul mood. My brilliant self decided this would be the best time to get your Dad to take my 13 week photo (because I have been putting it off all week and I thought we better do it before I turn 14 weeks tomorrow). This was a terrible idea because seeing my pouch and how my new dress didn’t hang just right led to a downward spiral of emotional roller coaster. I ended up snapping at your Dad because he asked me where something was a bajillion times even though I told him I would look in my purse once we were in the car. I then blamed my disappointment of my 13 week photo on your Dad’s lack of photography skills. He picked up quickly why I was being such a peel and told me he knew I didn’t feel good about my body but he thought I was absolutely beautiful. At first, I wanted to smack him because, well, I’m not sure why but then I tried to believe it and smiled a little. As we drove to lunch at one of our favorite spots (Taco Mamacita) I decided it was time to stop being a 13 year old about this and accept that I’m going to be big as a house. I’m going to put my big girl (okay, my extra big girl) panties on and suck it up. The bigger I get, the closer I get to holding you. Bottom line. Even if the bottom line is bigger than I would like.

So even though I am not feeling my most confident, I’m posting my 13 week photo. Because I want to remember it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. I want you to see my struggles and my victories. I hope it gives you the courage to do the same one day.

Share your vulnerabilities. It sucks. Big time. But every time you do, you become more of who your Maker gloriously made you. You become braver. You become wilder. You become you. 

Me awkwardly at 13 weeks carrying my proudest joy, my biggest adventure, my most prized possession.

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In a few weeks, I will look back and laugh at how annoyingly dramatic I am being. When I’m as big as a whale, I’ll want to kick my awkward 13 weeks ass. I’m allowed to say ass. You are not.

Love you always,

Mom

Maternity Clothes & Christmas

Dear baby blueberry,

This week has been a difficult one. Full of physical and emotional draining. So today, I needed a kick in the behind to get up and going so my Mom (your mum mum) called and asked if I would like to meet up for some last minute Christmas shopping. I agreed and was glad I did. We shopped and shopped and then went to Cracker Barrel and sat directly in front of their wood burning fireplace with coffee and pecan pie and rocking chairs. Pure bliss. We talked a lot about you and sadly she wasn’t too fond of the name Finley. We said it reminded her of Finland so naturally, I called her a racist. What’s so bad about Finland, anyways? Nothing. Just let it set in and she will eventually come around… And if she doesn’t well, we might be back to square one with the boy name.

Earlier this week, you might remember that I took a trip to Goodwill. I was excited to find 2 basically brand new Liz Lange maternity dresses. I was shocked to find them and in such good condition. I tried them on and I’m not near ready to wear them but when Spring rolls around and I’m as huge as trucker, they will be perfect.

I love the color and print of this one the best.

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I’m not crazy about this print but love the cut and fit. It will be perfect for that last month of June carrying you because it’s size Elephant…and it’s a summery print.

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I was then excited to find some brand new French Connection brown and peach leather ballet flats (adorable!) for $2. I tried one shoe on in the store and it fit perfectly- score! Not really, because when I tried them on at home I realized I couldn’t fit the right one on…did my foot grow overnight? No, it was a whole size smaller than the left shoe. Really?! Some Goodwill buys just don’t pan out. Now the shoes just sit there taunting me with their leathery adorablemess. Yes, I intentionally spelt it that way.

I’ve spent the week wrapping Christmas presents and I will be honest and say that your Dad wraps so much better than I. This frustrates me because I feel like this is something I should be great at. It makes sense though, because in 5th grade I took an origami class ( I went to an arts magnet school) and left everyday in tears because I just couldn’t fold the paper like our teacher did. It was a traumatic experience. But when it comes to accessorizing the gift though- I’m a rockstar. Yep. (I’m such a loser!

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See that tiny, itsy bitsy, darling chevron stocking? That’s your’s bebe’. Impractical? Well, of course. We couldn’t pass it up though.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and it will be the last one with just your Dad and I. Next Christmas you will be crawling around the Christmas tree and keeping us on our toes! It shakes my world to think about!

Love you baby,
Mom